Its been about 9 months since that fateful concert, and 9 months since I last had band practice.. And I still feel like finding a new band to go for band practice! It's like a drug addiction that I cannot stop, and it feels like withdrawal, even now! At night I will dreamt about concerts the next day and I haven't even practiced! Or I am practicing in my dreams.. Or sometimes teaching.. Whenever I am free from work, if it's a practice day, I will get restless because I no longer goes for practice.. It just feels so wrong at different levels that I am not attending practice.. I get nerves when I know that a concert is coming up, but I am only part of it because I am a QM, not because I am a Trombonist.. People get to be fully part of it, but I am there because there is a shit job needs to be done and someone has to do it and it had to be me.. Sucks to be me, no? But that's more to it.. I am not sure if I want to move on with or without Trombone in my life..
The thing is that since I stopped Trombone for a while I actually have Time.. More time to do some stuff, more time to hang out with others, like family and friends any time I want.. No more shit jobs, or rather less shit jobs for me.. At least I am not physically in band to do it.. I am outside doing work through my estimations and my foundations that I laid.. I can actually rest on days when my project is less demanding on my schedule.. It cannot be helped that I am in a project based course and holding a comm position that demands lots of my time and energy during both normal practice and during concert periods.. I am truly burnt out.. But since I stopped, I could rest more.. Even though I am still staying up for projects at least I have lesser on my mind and can don't be expected to run around like an idiot when I am actually so exhausted and packed with so much things to do.. I know everyone is busy with school, but they're just so darn selfish with their own part that they're not willing to help or be initiative and worst of all, they turn it on you.. And that's worst than no appreciation by the rest.. Well, since they do not know the whole thing, it will be easy for them to take things for granted..
On the other hand, this is unprecedented, this kind of event and this kind of situations.. It's the very first time I actually stopped going for band and leave a band halfway.. For the past 9 years, this is unprecedented.. I still love Trombone, music and band.. But I am afraid that the next band will have people I do not want to play with, since band scene in sg is small.. I am not sure if I can find a place whereby there's a balance between player and musicality.. Commitment without sacrifices, commitment without expectations and commitment without assumptions and being taken for granted.. Its impossible to have perfect of everything.. But I am still hoping for this to be a band in sg that I haven't discover to exist.. Maybe I should decide only when I have settled down on a fixed job first before taking another shot at the leap of faith instead of admist the chaotic schedule and the period of uncertainty on things such as applications to various places..
And may, by then I would have settled on a decision once and for all instead of being uncertain like now.. Hopefully it's the desired outcome that I have so longed for..
