That's some double standards going on.. Similar events but both becomes my fault is really perplexing for me.. I do hope that it have got nothing to do with self righteousness or nativity of some people.. Then again, it might have been a figment of my imagination..
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Oh man...
Its been about 9 months since that fateful concert, and 9 months since I last had band practice.. And I still feel like finding a new band to go for band practice! It's like a drug addiction that I cannot stop, and it feels like withdrawal, even now! At night I will dreamt about concerts the next day and I haven't even practiced! Or I am practicing in my dreams.. Or sometimes teaching.. Whenever I am free from work, if it's a practice day, I will get restless because I no longer goes for practice.. It just feels so wrong at different levels that I am not attending practice.. I get nerves when I know that a concert is coming up, but I am only part of it because I am a QM, not because I am a Trombonist.. People get to be fully part of it, but I am there because there is a shit job needs to be done and someone has to do it and it had to be me.. Sucks to be me, no? But that's more to it.. I am not sure if I want to move on with or without Trombone in my life..
The thing is that since I stopped Trombone for a while I actually have Time.. More time to do some stuff, more time to hang out with others, like family and friends any time I want.. No more shit jobs, or rather less shit jobs for me.. At least I am not physically in band to do it.. I am outside doing work through my estimations and my foundations that I laid.. I can actually rest on days when my project is less demanding on my schedule.. It cannot be helped that I am in a project based course and holding a comm position that demands lots of my time and energy during both normal practice and during concert periods.. I am truly burnt out.. But since I stopped, I could rest more.. Even though I am still staying up for projects at least I have lesser on my mind and can don't be expected to run around like an idiot when I am actually so exhausted and packed with so much things to do.. I know everyone is busy with school, but they're just so darn selfish with their own part that they're not willing to help or be initiative and worst of all, they turn it on you.. And that's worst than no appreciation by the rest.. Well, since they do not know the whole thing, it will be easy for them to take things for granted..
On the other hand, this is unprecedented, this kind of event and this kind of situations.. It's the very first time I actually stopped going for band and leave a band halfway.. For the past 9 years, this is unprecedented.. I still love Trombone, music and band.. But I am afraid that the next band will have people I do not want to play with, since band scene in sg is small.. I am not sure if I can find a place whereby there's a balance between player and musicality.. Commitment without sacrifices, commitment without expectations and commitment without assumptions and being taken for granted.. Its impossible to have perfect of everything.. But I am still hoping for this to be a band in sg that I haven't discover to exist.. Maybe I should decide only when I have settled down on a fixed job first before taking another shot at the leap of faith instead of admist the chaotic schedule and the period of uncertainty on things such as applications to various places..
And may, by then I would have settled on a decision once and for all instead of being uncertain like now.. Hopefully it's the desired outcome that I have so longed for..
Saturday, February 23, 2013
It's been a Long, Hard Road...
Now that the final presentation has finally ended, in fact about a month ago, 28th January 2013, I have yet to really find time to settle down and think through certain things.
Ever since 3rd week of January until yesterday was mostly a blur of events, starting from my birthday week, till Final Design Review (FYP Final presentation), to free lancing for TDR, to Chinese New Year to Mother's operation, back to free lancing and University application and now, I finally got a chance to let go a sigh of relief. To think that in almost one month's time I am so packed, I still have other things to worry, of which my hands are just too full, I cannot carry anymore.
The opportunity given by Scott from The Design Icon, TDR, seems really exciting yet tiring at the same time, due to the nature of the work and timeline, at times I have to sit in front of my laptop for 12 hours, (of course with some breaks in between), it makes me think more about whether I want to continue the design path or not, on the another hand, because it is a project with short time frame, so it is so rushed, perhaps once I am more settled I will be able to leave my workplace at a certain timing and maybe OT once in a while rather than every other day.
I have actually applied for University application, to me, its a gauge to see if I can enter local U at all, although if I were to apply for certain course such as Arts with a lower GPA, definitely I will have a better chance, but still, it's an experience to try for something that I have always wanted to. Let's see the result in one month's time.
Although my original plan is to get into a job by late-March to early-April, it seems that I won't be able to really do so due to SPF project and another project, the yay side is that I can be better prepared should I go into Design related job field, get more contacts, get more industrial experience as compared to others with similar projects but no industrial experience. The nay side however is that it will be less efficient if I were to go into non-design related field, it might eat into my next year's plan, it also will delay my other plans such as studies and side lessons.
The downside of looking for jobs is that I cannot be entirely truthful of my situation, since I am waiting to change into a different course, Lifescience, yet I can in Design means that I cannot really let people around me to know that Design is my "backup" plan to land a job faster, but I do think Design certainly had some beauty in it's job, but sometimes it's really exhausting and I am certainly not that one with solid interest, it's true that I came into this course because of my choice, but rather it's my lack of it, to land me into this kind of situation, but what to do, I can only change or integrate the field after I get my degree in biomedical science. That's why I think it's still quite far from my reach. Next year, hopefully, I can start my foundation course in MDIS, and hopefully I can actually move onto the degree course, which I will only know after 9 months.
And as of today, I am really sure that I STILL missed band and Trombone, A LOT! I am always thinking of these two, and very envious of those who are still part of one band that they are comfortable in going back to. For now, I do not have one, I am really tempted to try and find one that I do not need my own instrument and one that I can be really worry freed to enjoy music making. I am really letting go of NYPSO, it's been a tough time doing that, but it is certainly more difficult for myself if I do not do it. Sometime, it's like that, this is what Life can be. Even if I put in 100%, at the end of the day, I might not even see 10% of it's result, hopefully the future batch will at least try to show that I can step down already, so far I have yet to see anything concrete.
I am also really glad to be able to leave the school for good, for their system is really too screwed up. I am really beyond word at times, it pains me to see my effort go down the drain at such a crucial time, from the fact that NTU has removed "Material Engineering" from the "List of Relevant Degrees" for "Diploma in Industrial Design" right after I achieved the GPA to get in, is a tight slap on my face, to the school has reduced my hard work to get my GPA up to null, it's a joke to them, but certainly not to me, it may sound personal but it ruins people's life just because of them being unable to be impartial. I have sweared that I worked as much as how a person who is not so passionate about design can work, I worked part-time during my school terms, and I have joined a CCA, albeit is my interest, still I had managed to do it, and all these now become nothing because of them, just one grade killed my entire hard work, sounds really like a joke.
How do I ever let anyone truly understands my pain? Finally I can at least sort these horrible feelings I had since a while back, just before my final presentation when I had almost lost all hopes. Adding in the fact that mother had an operation recently, at least she is getting better now, before that I was a wreck inside, everything all pent up inside. Honestly I almost could give way, which I held on, if not I will not be able to finish my things. Now things are picking up a little, so I could at least give myself a pat on the back to have at least accomplished things albeit that's some ups and downs, here and there.
At the end, it's all boils down to all in a day's work.
Ever since 3rd week of January until yesterday was mostly a blur of events, starting from my birthday week, till Final Design Review (FYP Final presentation), to free lancing for TDR, to Chinese New Year to Mother's operation, back to free lancing and University application and now, I finally got a chance to let go a sigh of relief. To think that in almost one month's time I am so packed, I still have other things to worry, of which my hands are just too full, I cannot carry anymore.
The opportunity given by Scott from The Design Icon, TDR, seems really exciting yet tiring at the same time, due to the nature of the work and timeline, at times I have to sit in front of my laptop for 12 hours, (of course with some breaks in between), it makes me think more about whether I want to continue the design path or not, on the another hand, because it is a project with short time frame, so it is so rushed, perhaps once I am more settled I will be able to leave my workplace at a certain timing and maybe OT once in a while rather than every other day.
I have actually applied for University application, to me, its a gauge to see if I can enter local U at all, although if I were to apply for certain course such as Arts with a lower GPA, definitely I will have a better chance, but still, it's an experience to try for something that I have always wanted to. Let's see the result in one month's time.
Although my original plan is to get into a job by late-March to early-April, it seems that I won't be able to really do so due to SPF project and another project, the yay side is that I can be better prepared should I go into Design related job field, get more contacts, get more industrial experience as compared to others with similar projects but no industrial experience. The nay side however is that it will be less efficient if I were to go into non-design related field, it might eat into my next year's plan, it also will delay my other plans such as studies and side lessons.
The downside of looking for jobs is that I cannot be entirely truthful of my situation, since I am waiting to change into a different course, Lifescience, yet I can in Design means that I cannot really let people around me to know that Design is my "backup" plan to land a job faster, but I do think Design certainly had some beauty in it's job, but sometimes it's really exhausting and I am certainly not that one with solid interest, it's true that I came into this course because of my choice, but rather it's my lack of it, to land me into this kind of situation, but what to do, I can only change or integrate the field after I get my degree in biomedical science. That's why I think it's still quite far from my reach. Next year, hopefully, I can start my foundation course in MDIS, and hopefully I can actually move onto the degree course, which I will only know after 9 months.
And as of today, I am really sure that I STILL missed band and Trombone, A LOT! I am always thinking of these two, and very envious of those who are still part of one band that they are comfortable in going back to. For now, I do not have one, I am really tempted to try and find one that I do not need my own instrument and one that I can be really worry freed to enjoy music making. I am really letting go of NYPSO, it's been a tough time doing that, but it is certainly more difficult for myself if I do not do it. Sometime, it's like that, this is what Life can be. Even if I put in 100%, at the end of the day, I might not even see 10% of it's result, hopefully the future batch will at least try to show that I can step down already, so far I have yet to see anything concrete.
I am also really glad to be able to leave the school for good, for their system is really too screwed up. I am really beyond word at times, it pains me to see my effort go down the drain at such a crucial time, from the fact that NTU has removed "Material Engineering" from the "List of Relevant Degrees" for "Diploma in Industrial Design" right after I achieved the GPA to get in, is a tight slap on my face, to the school has reduced my hard work to get my GPA up to null, it's a joke to them, but certainly not to me, it may sound personal but it ruins people's life just because of them being unable to be impartial. I have sweared that I worked as much as how a person who is not so passionate about design can work, I worked part-time during my school terms, and I have joined a CCA, albeit is my interest, still I had managed to do it, and all these now become nothing because of them, just one grade killed my entire hard work, sounds really like a joke.
How do I ever let anyone truly understands my pain? Finally I can at least sort these horrible feelings I had since a while back, just before my final presentation when I had almost lost all hopes. Adding in the fact that mother had an operation recently, at least she is getting better now, before that I was a wreck inside, everything all pent up inside. Honestly I almost could give way, which I held on, if not I will not be able to finish my things. Now things are picking up a little, so I could at least give myself a pat on the back to have at least accomplished things albeit that's some ups and downs, here and there.
At the end, it's all boils down to all in a day's work.
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